Getting back together with your Ex

July 20, 2019

If your relationship ended, there are some questions you should ask yourself. Why this happened? Does it make sense to fix it and get back together? Who made mistakes in the relationship? What are my priorities and what are those of my former partner? Are our priorities, values and way of life compatible with one another?

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When the mistakes were made mostly by one partner, in the most cases, it does not make sense to give the relationship another chance. It is important to find out why the relationship broke down. It is often difficult to answer this question. It can help to ask good friends to give their perspective, as people on the outside often have a different perspective on the situation.

An extreme example of a relationship breaking down is because of mistakes like alcoholism, drugs or some other addictions. Does it make sense to get back with your ex in such cases? The answer is a clear no! It is a no-win situation, despite the presence of love!

One should not adapt to certain circumstances or negative behaviour of the partner just because of a fear of losing him/her. Then it is better to start new life and not try to get back together with the Ex.

Are you having problems with your relationship? Is your love fading away? Fights? Disharmony? Or did you partner already left? Often, these problems can be fixed. All that is required is professional help from outside. We can help to repair your relationship and bring back balance and love!

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Should I use Love Magic?

Responsible Use of the Magic

There is one important thing you have to ask yourself:" Does it makes any sense at all?" Or "Is it for me destructive or negative?" If you really love somebody, then you should let that person go his or her own way, even if it hurts. Even if you want to get back together with your ex and see your own failings and want to work on this, you still need to grant this inner freedom.

The problem is that if you want something too much, you tense up and are not at ease. It is normal to want things (whether that’s money, bigger muscles, getting your work done, getting back with your ex), if, however, your “will” for what you want is too strong, and you think “if I don’t get what I want, I will never be happy”, then you block things from coming your way. Energy simply cannot flow!

Whether it is, money or a career, or whatever the case may be, if you become too engrossed in what you want, it will never come to you. And with this type of laid back attitude you can win back your ex. If you engross yourself too much in this task saying, I can never be happy without him or her, then there is no chance at making it work. Nobody is responsible for making another person happy.

The first mistake people make, is thinking that you need something to happen first, before you can be happy. At the end of the day only eternity can make us happy, because we are eternal beings.

We can take the example here of a job interview. If you say, “I must get the job”, you clamp up. However, if you say, “I will try my best but I can accept whatever decision they make in the end”, you are more relaxed.

In case of love, if you want your ex back, you have to be happy first. No-one wants to be willingly with depressed person, who is begging for attention! Become better and stronger version of yourself, and your radiance will do the job for you. Everyone wants to be with happy people full of energy and enthusiasm.

It is good to want something and to strive to get it, whether personal or economical, otherwise you would not have a reason to get up in the morning. But each goal brings ten more goals, which you believe you have to achieve, in order to be happy. But that is all an illusion. You can end up chasing mirage your whole life!

How to have a happy relationship

...even if my partner doesn't do what I want

What is happy relationship? It is the relationship, where both partners feel happy.It is simply living together in harmony. If both partners want the same, there is no problem. But when people want and expect different things, misunderstandings and fights occur and harmony fades away. Where is no harmony, there is of course no happiness. So, there is only one way, how to achieve happy relationship- to manage successfully these misunderstandings, different expectations and fights...

In general, people think, that „if someone loves me, s/he also proves it to me.“ And people also expect, that the best way, how the partner should prove his/her love, is „to do, what I want and need from him/her“! Let's have an example in the life situation of one ordinary, normal relationship, where partners love each other.

He is a manager and spends lots of time travelling to different places, conferences, business meetings. He also spends many evenings networking, having dinner with business partners and colleagues. His wife is working in a small company as an accountant and her schedule is not so busy as his. During a lunch break, she writes him a loving message. But he doesn't react immediately. She starts to wonder, what is he doing, and why he is not paying attention to her. This makes her insecure and she starts to worry, that what if he’s flirting with an attractive colleague or important business partner. This image makes her feel unhappy, and her mind continues in creating new images. For example: „Ooh, he didn't write me...what if I am not important for him anymore?

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So, it looks like his work is more important than our love! That means, he may be looking for someone else!!!“ She stays in this bad mood whole day and in the evening, when he comes home, she barely talk to him and when he asks, what happened, she says, „Nothing“ and walks away, crying... He had busy day, full of meetings and he feels exhausted. What he needs now, is kind loving care. But instead, he just observes this mood or behaviour, which he cannot rationally explain and it signalises him, that she is not interested in him anymore...

Unfortunately, too many relationships experience daily smaller or bigger variations of this situation. When we read the previous story, we can see, that this misunderstanding started with the expectation of the lady. Expectation, that he should answer her immediately.

This expectation has its root in the opinion, that the man should try to make her happy, to show his love whenever she asks for it. This calls for a difficult relationship, and if it happens again and again, long-term problems usually occur.

What would happen, if she has no expectations? She wouldn't think negatively, won't create stories and assumptions and in the evening, when he will come home, she would ask him in normal mood, why he didn't reply. He would have an opportunity to explain, how he feels and how difficult the day was and she will, of course comfort him and care for him...

So, it is certain, that people with these issues have problematic relationships. Only people, who find a way, how to be happy without expecting that their partner should make them happy, can create also healthy long-term relationships.

Having a happy relationship starts with you!

The basic mistake in relationship is to assume, that now, when I have my partner, s/he will make me happy. This is not the truth!!! The state of happiness of being in relationship with your partner, doesn't create your partner, but you! Where is located the happiness, when you love? In you, inside of you. So, you are the one, who created happiness. You allowed yourself to be so happy. This knowledge can give you tremendous freedom. This knowledge means, that you can decide and choose to be happy! In fact, you don’t need someone else’s validation or attention. You don’t need someone else to love you in order to feel loved. You just need to love yourself.

I don't want to say, that you should not try to find a partner and you should stay alone! I just want to say, that as we all need to be loved by someone, it is good strategy, that this „someone“ is you. In that case, you will have anytime love for yourself and you don't need to seek it in others and beg for it from others or try to manipulate others to gain it.

When you’re happy and satisfied with yourself, you are not scared so much that the person you love can leave you. Of course, it would be a great loss, if loved one leaves you. You will be sad and it will need some time to gain back your balance. But after time of grief, you will realise, that you are not “alone” because you have the best company in the world — yourself. You know you’d live satisfying life, be happy even without that person. Again, I don't want to say, that you should not try to gain her/him back. This approach means, that you won't be scared, that your partner will abandon you and you simply won't create stories and assumptions and unnecessary fights, which make your relationship weaker. In fact, the fear of loss causes, that your behaviour makes the relationship weaker and finally, the partner leaves you!!!

When you’re happy with yourself, you don’t need the other person to be sticked on you all the time, because you’re happy also on your own. You’re fine if partner does his/her own things, and you are also happy doing your own things.

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How to become happy just with yourself?

The most important thing is to change perspective. To see, that everything, what you need for being happy, is inside of you. You don't have to search for it or work on it! Your deepest nature is being alert, curious and happy! You can be great and strong, only limit for that is your own mind and fear.

How do you let go of limits of mind and fear? The first step is to see them, then to accept them and be ok with them and finally, let them go and paying no attention to them anymore. For example, you have fear that you may loose your partner. Ask yourself: what would happen, if I will be without him or her? Is that really such an end of the world? Is she the last female on earth? You may answer, that it means, that you are looser, because she has found someone better... And when she leaves, it also means, you are not good enough... OK, she may leave you, because you were not suitable for her, she needed something else. And this need for something else has nothing to do with you, it is her feeling, not yours... Simply accept, that she changed her priorities and that it is ok, because people have freedom to search for what they want. And then, you can let it go and focus on what do you want to experience now...

Remember, your value is not connected with anything and anyone. You’ll be good enough with or without any partner. It doesn't mean you want your partner to leave, or you don’t care about him/her. You simply know that you’d be fine with her and also without her.

Once you will realise, that you need just yourself to be happy, you will automatically create a happy relationship, because the basis of this relationship will be built on your self-confidence, love and respect.

How should one behave, when one wishes to win his/her ex back?

White Magic

In relationships one always hopes to get love, support and understanding from their partner but that is like a beggar meeting another beggar and hoping to get 10 euros from him. One must start by loving oneself, showing compassion to one’s self and developing oneself (be it doing sport, painting, making music and so on). What do I enjoy doing? What inspires me? Set yourself goals and pursue them. Should you meet up with your ex, you have more substance and are a more interesting person.

Try to follow these points:

For a few weeks or months you should keep your distance, not speak on the phone, not say you are going to change, not beg and plead to get back together. Firstly you should sit down and reflect: what mistakes did I make?

That’s how meditating and spiritual books can help. When you yourself have clarity and equilibrium, you can pass on this clarity and love to others.

When this first phase (the first few weeks and months) has passed, then you can make the first phone call. However, don’t be like a bull in a china shop, saying “I have to meet you! I cannot live without you!” A good time to meet is at a birthday party, Easter, Christmas or New Year’s celebrations to ask how they are doing and what’s new in their lives. If you do not get an answer – again give it some time.

If your ex seems interested in knowing how you are doing, then maintain the contact on the basis of being friends. That is also part of being in a relationship - talking about normal things. Maintain contact on the basis of being friends.

What are priorities? People can only be happy when their priorities are in harmony with that of their partner, this intersection is important. Somebody who wants to sell things can only be happy with somebody who buys from them. Are you willing to make compromises? Firstly you have to be aware of where your priorities lie. In this case it is helpful to keep a note book, in which you write down what you want. Even the small things! A good physique? Money? What is important to me? Children? Travel? It also makes clear what is important to the other person.

You must have new talks with your ex and ask what is important to them. What do they want? How many children do they want to have? How much money do they want to earn? How do they see the future and above all, how can you the two of you bring these things into harmony?

It’s normal that you have to hold back on your own needs but no more and no less than 50/50. Where can I or where can my partner be more accommodating? And in all areas of my life: Me as a spirit, as a soul, as a body, regarding my health, friends, family and interests. What do I want from all these aspects of my life? Which ones are of the highest priority? What does that mean for my partner? Intimacy – what is important to me? What is important to my partner?

By talking and being friends with your ex you can reach a level of harmony and possibly start the relationship anew. But the new relationship can only work, if you create a level of intelligibility of yourself and of your partner.

Compromises have to be made on both sides. It is not advisable to take up a new relationship, if compromises are being made on one side, this doesn’t make sense - because the only purpose of a relationship, is being happy together.

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Can Therapy Help in Rebuilding a Relationship?

Therapy can play a crucial role in helping couples rebuild their relationships. Whether you are dealing with deep-seated issues like trust and communication problems, or more surface-level concerns, a professional therapist can provide an objective perspective. Couples therapy offers tools to improve communication and resolve conflicts in a healthy manner. Moreover, therapy can help both partners understand each other’s needs and concerns, fostering a more empathetic and supportive relationship.

What Are the Benefits of a Temporary Break?

A temporary break in a relationship can be beneficial for both individuals. It allows time for self-reflection and can help each partner assess what they truly want from the relationship. Important benefits include:

Clarity: Time apart can provide clarity on unresolved issues.
Self-Improvement: Focus on personal growth without the immediate pressure of the relationship.
Emotional Reset: Facilitates an emotional reset, making discussions about the future more productive.

Is It Normal to Have Doubts?

Having doubts about getting back together with an ex is completely normal. Doubts can arise from past experiences, fear of repeating mistakes, or uncertainty about whether the feelings are still mutual. It’s crucial to acknowledge these doubts and openly communicate them with your ex. Discussing concerns and uncertainties can contribute to a stronger foundation if you both decide to reunite.

How Long Should You Wait Before Reconnecting?

The appropriate amount of time to wait before reconnecting with an ex can vary. While there is no one-size-fits-all answer, experts often recommend waiting at least a few months:

One to Two Months: For issues like minor disagreements or situational stressors.
Two to Six Months: For more complex issues such as conflicting goals or priorities.
Longer than Six Months: If the breakup was due to significant problems like trust issues or infidelity.

Can Friends Influence Your Decision?

Friends can often offer valuable insights and perspectives when considering rekindling a relationship with your ex. They can provide outside observations that you might be too close to notice. However, it’s essential to balance their input with your personal feelings and the dynamics of your relationship. Remember, while it's beneficial to seek advice, the final decision should be yours.